(no subject)

[virborassan]

In the end, it hadn't been enough. Months upon months of work. Tears and blood shed and all for naught. Skyhold had fallen just as Haven had, and this time, most didn't make it out. What few did retreated through the Frostbacks, carrying nothing. There'd been no time to try and gather things. All they could do was retreat. It was disheartening.

Elareth had barely made it out of the fight with Corypheus. She'd been dragged from the rubble only to be made to run for what life she had left. They'd just had enough time to find Cullen and all she could do was order him to retreat and take the survivors with him. She knew he'd be able to get them out of Corypheus' reach, at least for the time being. As it was, she knew what the ancient magister wanted and that was her and the Anchor that still pulsed in her hand. She'd lead them away while Cullen got what was left of the Inquisition to safety. She promised him she wouldn't be going alone and with that, she turned and took off, trying to buy them all some time.

It was an eerie reminder of her actions at Haven.

Three days later, scouts would send word that she'd been found and was making her way back to the encampment. When she found them, she stumbled in, her party a good deal smaller than before. This time, the losses were a good deal more personal. Bull was properly blind now, trying to defend Dorian. The mage was worse off, barely able to stand as Elareth coaxed them along with promises or rest once they found their way back. There was no sign of Blackwall or Sera and from the look on Elareth's face, the news was grim.

Comments

[lovingvambrace]

To say that Cullen functioned after the fall was technically true. He did everything in his power to organize the survivors and get them moving. Forward scouts kept them from running headlong into Venatori ambushes. Rear scouts covered their passage so skillfully it would take something with the senses of a beast to track them. The cold and snow worked to their advantage in that respect. It didn't retain scent for long.

He allowed no cooking fires. The few mages in the group warmed people by picking the right sorts of stone along the way and heating that, instead. Rations were kept unfrozen against people's bodies. All elimination was kept carefully to one spot per campsite and buried deep. Cullen was tireless, equal parts encouraging and browbeating to those who needed him. It was a role with which he was all too familiar. He was closer to the templar he had been before all this started than he had been in months, minus the lyrium.

There was no room for emotion or worry, no room for anything beyond survival. Until the day they came for them to tell him Elareth was on her way. When he saw her, outwardly very little changed. He stepped forward with a grim expression to hear her news and snapped orders for people to tend to Bull and Dorian. Inwardly, it was such a different story. He had alternated between certainty that she was dead and faint hope that she would find them, just as she had after Haven. Now that she was there before him, a wild part of him wanted to snatch her into his embrace and never let go again.

He ignored it. That part of him would get them all killed. Now wasn't the time or place for that. "I can brief you on our survivors when you're ready," he said.

[virborassan]

She expected the organization. It was Cullen, after all. She knew he'd have things working as smoothly as possible thanks to his training and to be honest, his attitude. He would broker no foolishness and for once, she was grateful for it. Part of her wanted to follow after Dorian and Bull, partly to keep an eye on them but partly because she wasn't in the best of shape either.

She knew she could wait. The healers would likely be worn down and others had greater need of them at the moment. Elareth could tend her own injuries. She'd done it in the past and she'd do it now.

In a way, she was glad he hadn't embraced her, or even touched her. She knew he would and she ached for it, but that needed to wait. If he reached out to her now, she'd break and that was something she couldn't do in front of everyone. There was no time for that. Once she knew her people were as safe as they could be, then she'd allow herself to mourn.

"Let's find a quiet spot, then. We need to get to work."

She set off through the camp, pausing here and there to speak to those that looked like they could use a few words of encouragement. She didn't have to look back. She knew he'd be following her. Once she'd found an empty tent, she ducked inside.

[lovingvambrace]

Cullen ordered hot water and some of their precious supply of clean cloth brought to the tent before ducking inside after her. He secured the flap against the wind. It was dim but not lightless, and the floor of it was well lined in pelts. This was one of the sleeping tents they could pack wall to wall when night fell on them bringing bitter cold and strange lights in the sky that had everyone grim and on edge. Not that he slept much.

"What you see here is everyone we managed to gather. I've seen no signs of any other of our people for over a day now. We found a few scattered groups that first night and part of the next day. We've run across a few more already slaughtered. Venatori work by the looks if it. We've been very cautious. We're in no position to engage the enemy. The few soldiers and mages we have are beyond exhausted, most of them carrying injuries."

He had seen a few crows and ravens flying. There was no way to tell if they were Leliana's birds moving with purpose or sad, scattered remnants of them flying for lack of anything better to do. If any of the other advisors survived, he imagined it would have been her. There was no sense in banking hope on it though. "I've been moving us into Orlais. There's a place it's doubtful Corypheus knows about, and it's almost a certainty the Venatori don't. It had significance during the Fourth Blight. It housed a large number of refugees from the Free Marches. Thousands. There's fresh water and a vast cavern underground. If we can regroup and regain our strength anywhere, it's going to be there."

[virborassan]

Each word was cataloged and filed away. She'd come across a few of the camps that the Venatori had found, her stomach turning at the thought of the way her people had been treated. Between moments like that and running on nothing more than adrenaline, she was exhausted. Add on injuries and the mind-numbing knowledge that she'd failed everyone, and it left her vaguely blank.

Nodding briefly, she turned to start working on shedding her armor. Thankfully, she could do so even when almost dead and there wasn't much due to her being a mage, but trembling, almost nerveless fingers made that job a good deal harder than usual. Still, she was able to shrug the largest piece off before working on the buckles that held the stiff leather pauldrons in place. It took only the span of a few minutes before she was in what was left of her undershirt and her torn and bloody breeches, her head hanging.

"... is it defensible?"

[lovingvambrace]

He resisted the urge to help her with her armor for the simple reason that if he started touching her now, not only would he not be able to stop himself, but also he feared it would break the fragile thread of control he had in holding his emotions in check. Their defeat was something he took so completely personally, his greatest failure to date. How many more of these crushing defeats he didn't know he could take before he snapped entirely.

"Very defensible. Controlled access into the passage, and even if by some method they managed to trap us in the depths, we could last that siege indefinitely. Their supplies on the surface would run out much more quickly than what we could manage in the caves. There's light, the ability to grow food. I haven't seen it with my own eyes yet. I've read several accounts, and I know for a fact it's still intact. The Champion was there only a few years ago, something to do with Qunari politics. I never had the full story."

He heard the rustle of the tent flap and turned to accept the bucket of steaming water and the rags personally. "Thank you." His look brooked no intrusion. The young woman bowed her head and left quickly. He turned and brought the bucket close to her, setting it down carefully. "Let me. I don't think you'll be able to reach half of these injuries or see them well enough to clean them properly." This sort of focus he could manage. Field tending wounds was hardly intimate or indicative of feelings. It allowed a level of detachment he sensed they both needed right now.

[virborassan]

Her own control was a tenuous thing. She wasn't sure how much more she could take. More than anything, she wished she could have a moment to just be Elareth but there was no time for that. For the foreseeable future, she had to be the Herald. The failure, but she would see her people to safety.

His report peaked her interest. It sounded idea for what they needed, but so had Skyhold and in the end, that had fallen as easily as Haven. She couldn't afford to have a sense of hope. Not now.

By the time the woman left, she'd stripped off her shirt, hissing as the motion pulled at raw skin. Her back and shoulders were littered with burns and bruises, one side caked in blood, both hers as well as Corypheus's damned pet's. They'd managed to kill the damned thing, which was a victory in itself, but it hadn't been enough. She'd never even had a chance to clean up after the fight that she'd so sorely misjudged.

It took her a long moment before she nodded her assent, doing her best to shake her snarled hair out of the way. It was all she could do to stay on her feet.

"They're likely not in good shape. I... didn't get a chance to take care of them after Skyhold-"

[lovingvambrace]

"We do have an alchemist's assistant with us, a small cache of herbs for real emergencies." Such as infections. He'd soon enough see how bad the damage was and what they'd need for her. His heart ached at what he saw. He wanted to tell her to lie down. There would be some time for that soon. Short of being forced to pack up and move in a hurry by enemy incursion, there was no good reason for them not to catch their breaths.

He dipped the first rag into the bucket and squeezed out the excess. He was as gentle as he could afford to be, which unfortunately meant that for some of those wounds he had to dig in deeper to get out grime and dragon blood. He braced her with his free hand, sometimes his shoulder as he moved lower. He didn't trust himself to speak now. Every one of those gashes and burns made him want to pound his fists into Corypheus' wasted body and monstrous face until there was nothing left but pulp.

The had robbed him of his pet and of his would-be vessel. Samson fell at Cullen's own sword moments after the Skyhold invasion began. On the off chance Corypheus sought to regain what he had put so much effort into creating, Cullen wanted to be certain to deny him that goal. They were beaten and licking their wounds, yes. They weren't utterly defeated. Not as long as Elareth still drew breath and the anchor was still intact. That was more hope than he had even an hour before.

When he finished, the water in the bucket was filthy, all of the rags, too. There were a few wounds that worried him enough to be seen by a more skilled eye and hands. For now, he wrapped her in his mantle and urged her to sit before she fell. "I'm going to summon Vilari. Please, no arguments. Your back... It needs help." He also worried that the corrupted dragon could spread Blight, and if that were the case...no. Best to thrust that thought away until they could know for sure. "I won't be long."

He gathered the bucket and rags and hurried out to fetch the assistant. By the time he found her, she had just finished up with Bull's injuries. She gathered her supplies and followed him back to the tent without question. Elareth had to be a priority. Without her they could eke out hidden livings and stave off the inevitable, but eventually all of Thedas would fall to the rifts and the ancient magister. They owed it to more than themselves and their uncertain present to see that didn't happen. Selfishly, Cullen was glad of that, that he'd never have to fight anyone to put her first. They all knew what was at stake. He held the flap open, followed her inside, and this time widened the opening to give her as much light as they could manage.

[virborassan]

She should've argued. Others needed healing. Many more than just her, and they were worse off. As far as she was concerned, they should be working with everyone else. In her mind, she didn't deserve the care. She'd let them all down. Just when she'd summoned up the energy to fuss about it, she felt him settle his mantle about her shoulders and all she could do was do as he'd said.

When they returned, she was sitting haphazardly in the middle of the floor, trying her best to pull her hair over her shoulder. It was stupid, but she was trying to tame the wild mess into a braid. It was something mundane and normal and pointless but it was something to do. It would help her keep her still shaking hands busy when she wanted nothing more than to scratch at scrapes and burns. Each motion might make her back scream in pain, but it was a reminder that she was still there to hurt.

She paused for a moment, glancing back at Vilari. It took effort, but she managed to dredge up a ghost of a nod before she immediately set about asking questions about her injured companions.

[lovingvambrace]

Vilari was the sort Cullen trusted, not just for her knowledge, but for her easy way of handling the injured. She may not have trained as a healer. It didn't mean she didn't have the interpersonal skills for it. She had a way of phrasing things that made them sound recoverable and not as worrisome as they looked. She chattered on about how strong both Bull and Dorian were, stubborn, too, and that she had seen worse patients recover from far worse. She slipped Cullen's mantle off and laid it aside so that she could get to work on the worst of things.

From behind Elareth, she met Cullen's gaze. He didn't like what he read there. True concern. She macerated a few different herbs and mixed them into some sort of ointment base, began applying them. At the end of it, she covered it all with clean dressings. "These need to be changed out twice per night and twice per day. I'm going to leave this ointment with both of you. Come get fresh when you run out."

Cullen nodded. He would, and he wouldn't forget. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just take care of her." She squeezed Elareth's shoulder. "And you get some rest tonight. Healer's orders. We'll be on the move again within the next day if this one gets his way. Slave driver, he is." Her tone was light again, and she winked at Cullen. "You let her rest, Commander. Understood?"

"Of course." He nodded and stepped aside to let her leave. Once she was gone, he tucked the tent flap back into place. More people would be piling in later. They couldn't help that. There weren't enough tents for anyone to have privacy at night. For now they did. He stepped back over to take up his mantle again, wrap her up again, careful not to put too much direct pressure on the newly bandaged wounds. "She's formidable," he said. "I wouldn't cross her if I were you." He went down to his knees finally to take her hands. "We can afford this lull. Take it while we have the chance."

[virborassan]

Cleaning up after a long battle had never been a pleasant thing. Waiting a few days before doing so led to infection and Elareth knew that. She could've told them that some of her wounds were already on the road to infection but Cullen had been a Templar long enough to know what signs to look for. He'd been smart in getting Vilari and they both knew it. It wouldn't do for her to survive the main battle only to die from an infection a week later.

What a noble way to go.

She didn't bother to hide the flinches when she was tended to. It was a sure sign as to just how worn down she was. That and the lack of arguing. If anything, Elareth was always feisty when it came to being seen to but not this time. She just quietly thanked Vilari when she moved to leave, her gaze following the healer as she left and stayed glued there until she felt the heavy warmth of Cullen's mantle being wrapped around her once again. Only then did she pull her gaze away only to find her vision filled with Cullen, kneeling before her.

She couldn't meet his gaze. Not now. Maybe not anymore. She'd let him down even more than she'd let everyone else down.

"I'm not sure I can rest. I can't stop thinking..."

[lovingvambrace]

Cullen read the signs well enough. She was in a bad way. Almost everyone in the camp was in one way or another. They were bound to lose several on the forced march to Chateau Haine. There was no getting around it. They couldn't afford to take it slow or easy. They had a small opportunity for rest through the night. "You're going to have to try, Love," he said. "We'll have to march in the morning." He knew that her sleeping difficulties had only increased over time. The most recent defeat wasn't going to help that.

"The Venatori scouts have come dangerously close a few times. When we're able, we pick them off. We have to be careful, though. Sometimes they have rear guards at a distance. If even one escapes, we're done for." He drew a thick pelt closer. "Try to lie down for a little while, please? You're not going to heal if you don't get sleep."

For so long they had been looking toward the time they'd be free of this burden. Now it weighed heavier than ever. He was determined to see it through to the bitter end. Somewhere down the line, he had forgotten how not to fight.

[virborassan]

How could she deny him such a simple request? She might balk at the idea of closing her eyes but she knew it was best. Even if she managed just a couple of hours, it was more than she'd had and it would help chip away at her weariness. If she woke, then she'd deal with things then. For now, she had to let someone else take charge. It wasn't the first time and she knew it would hardly be the last. In a way, she was glad for it. Her nerves had been strung far too tight as of late.

Nodding a bit, she squeezed his hands as much as she could before she finally looked up at him. Any other day, she'd smile just at the sight of him but the best she could do was a wry, tired ghost of one. At least it was better than before.

"Would you listen if I asked you to wake me in four hours?"

[lovingvambrace]

His thumbs stroked lightly across the backs of her knuckles, and he squeezed gently in return. It was a relief when she met his gaze. He had begun to wonder if she would. He could only guess as to what was running through her head, none of it good, doubtless. He smiled very faintly in return and shook his head. "Not tonight. Try to give me this one night of as much uninterrupted sleep as you can manage. Beyond that I'll be more cooperative. We've all had more rest than you. It's plain to see."

He settled the pelt close for her use, frowning thoughtfully. "I will wake you when it's time to change the dressing. That should be a little closer to six hours. I can tell you, Vilari won't want you up and about much. We can likely manage checking in on Bull and Dorian." He knew that was at least some of what was worrying her. If she saw them resting, perhaps it would ease her mind enough to rest more, too.

[virborassan]

He knew her too well and it showed. Her worry for her friends was something that most everyone knew, but the depth wasn't so well known. They'd come to be family to her and she was already sad from the loss of some of them. Cullen, while part of that group, was an exception. He was more. If he'd been lost, she wasn't sure she would've been able to go on. Normally, she would've reached up to brush that frown away with her fingers but she still wasn't sure how she'd handle too much open affection save for the way their hands were locked together. No, anything else might have to wait until she could have some quiet time to just burrow against his side and shut out the world for a little while.

It wasn't something they could afford at the moment.

"They need their rest. I'll do my best to follow their shining example and check on them once I'm up and about again. I wouldn't want to chance Vilari's temper, or yours."

Her attempt at humor was weak at best but at least it was there.

[lovingvambrace]

"While you might find me more reasonable, I can't say I'd be less worried," he admitted. "Things are...stable for the moment." As stable as they were going to be under the circumstances. They weren't in dire need of food yet. Medical supplies were low but not critical. The two things working against them the most were the elements and the fact that they were being actively hunted. If the Venatori or Corypheus himself didn't catch up to them, there was a chance a blizzard might. Weather in the Frostbacks was unpredictable at the best of times. They were moving into a volatile season.

"I'll stay with you if you need me." In truth, he didn't want to leave her side. There was a small part of him reluctant to believe she was truly there at all. It felt too fragile, too much like something that could be snatched away again at a whim and leave him devastated. When he didn't know, it somehow felt less dangerous.

"If anyone else needs me, they know where I am." He doubted they'd be disturbed for anything less than an attack. There was no one in the camp by now who didn't know they were together, nor anyone who would begrudge them a little stolen time. Later that night, he'd be able to lie at her side for real rest. For now he intended to sit with her if she'd allow it. Lying down in full plate was out of the question.

[virborassan]

She didn't like the pause but if he said things were stable, she knew they were. He wouldn't gloss things over just to ease her mind. He knew her far too well to try something like that. In all honesty, she was a little surprised to hear it. Things had turned sour so quickly. It was a miracle he'd been able to do so well this far, even if it didn't seem like it.

While she would normally claim that she didn't 'need' anyone, she did. She needed him close, to let her know he was really there with her and not some nightmare that would turn on her or disappear at a moment's notice. Once things had settled some, yes, but for now, she need him there.

It took her several long moments to settle a bit awkwardly on her side, one hand moving to pull the heavy pelt close enough to warm her while the other stayed on Cullen's leg. She was loathe to lose contact with him, especially if she was going to try and sleep.

"If you don't have something else to handle... I'd appreciate it. I thought I'd never see you again when I was out there."

[lovingvambrace]

"I'm yours." He meant it in every sense of the word. He knew he didn't need to explain. He'd be here until it was time to awaken her for her bandage change unless he was called away. If so, he wouldn't leave her unattended. He didn't want her awakening alone and disoriented. If he had his way, that wouldn't happen to her again for a very long time. With no stable home base for any of them, he was as committed to the field as the rest of the few who remained.

He covered her hand with his, a comforting touch, warm and present. "I know what you mean." The only way he'd kept any sanity at all was to focus on each present task at hand and not dwell on what would happen if she was gone forever. It would have caught up to him eventually. The only thing that prevented it from being right away was others' need of him. That was too compelling for him ever to turn away.

"I prayed for your return." And here she was. Perhaps the Maker had a little grace left for his children after all, or if this was the beginning of the end, they were to be afforded a little more time. He'd take what he could get.

[virborassan]

As tired as she was, she fought sleep. The last thing she wanted was to peer into the Fade again, especially now that Corypheus's work was starting to come to fruition. She knew she'd find nightmares waiting for her there and while she knew she needed rest, she certainly didn't want it at the cost she'd pay for it.

In a way, it was unfair. She was his, heart and mind and body, but she belonged to the Inquisition. In her mind, he deserved someone to just be his, someone better than she was, but those simple words were more than enough to warm her spirit when she'd thought it frozen over and left behind in the ruins of Skyhold. For a moment, she smiled and it was an honest, but sad smile as she leaned in just enough that wisps of her mussed hair brushed against his leg.

"We should be careful with that. He might be out of miracles for me and I doubt my grace will last much longer, if at all."

[lovingvambrace]

"I'll hang on if you will," he said simply. He didn't know where his faith came from anymore, why it didn't just die and snuff out like so many of the lives already lost. Whether it was her or something else less definable, he didn't know. Perhaps it was best not to question it too closely. As long as it carried him through to the next day, it was enough when it needed to be.

He smiled faintly in return. Praying for miracles had bought them one more, and that was enough, too. He leaned further forward so that he could stroke her hair back. Hands in his hair always soothed him when he was trying to sleep. He wanted to do the same for her.

"No more speaking now for a while. I'll keep you up the rest of the night talking if we allow it." He could understand the impulse, the desire to avoid nightmares. It was a trait they shared. However, it didn't negate the need for rest. He would seek to awaken her if he noticed too much trouble.

[virborassan]

Damn it all. He knew her too well. There wasn't a quicker way to soothe her nerves than a gentle hand in her hair and now, that knowledge was working against her. She didn't want sleep because she knew what it would bring, but soon enough, she felt her eyelids growing heavier and knew that this was yet another battle she'd lost.

At least she liked losing to Cullen. In the end, she knew she would be safe and while he couldn't keep her dreams at bay, he'd be able to handle her if she awoke in a panic. He'd done it before, time and again. If anyone understood, it was Cullen and she was so grateful that he would never judge her for such things.

Huffing quietly, she mumbled something in elven before finally succumbing to the sleep her body so desperately needed.

[lovingvambrace]

The next couple of weeks were very touch and go and not without losses. The injured and already ill didn't fare well in the cold wilderness despite best efforts to aid them. They simply didn't have the resources and weren't able to forage enough to make up for the dearth. Food was better and easier. There was enough wildlife, and there were enough of them capable with bows. Always the concern lay that their enemies would find them and either pick them off a few at a time or come down on them in one fell swoop.

Soon enough it became evident they needed a temporary resting place that was more than a campsite, somewhere they could entrench for a time, regain their strength, resupply, and move on from more of a position of strength than eternally licking their wounds and fleeing. The best scouts left the group in all directions, knowing what they needed and hoping it was somewhere to be found. They had instructions to catch up to them in five days regardless of success or not. They couldn't afford to stay spread out for too long.

On the end of the fourth day, a ragged but triumphant scout returned with news of a canyon and series of caves, difficult to spot if one wasn't looking for it and easy to make less obvious over time. There was fresh water, dry shelter, and the vegetation around the area looked promising for medicinal purposes. Cullen thought them unlikely to find a better prospect for now. By the end of the week, they were there and beginning to settle in. It was likely they'd stay the winter with storms getting worse. Pushing further into Orlais didn't seem like a wise plan.

It was surprising how quickly some of the artisans among them had crude but serviceable furniture, tables, stools, benches, and a desk of sorts for strategics. Cullen didn't want them merely holing up and hoping for the best. They needed to seek other survivors and people in need of help. They needed to try to hit their enemies where it hurt and when least expected. A couple of Orlesians with them had exactly the sort of experience needed for waging such a war and were eager to lend their aid. It was after a meeting with them and Elareth that he was able to retreat to a quiet area at the back of one of the caves to rest and work on polishing his armor. He made it clear to her that he would welcome company once she finished whatever other things remained on her list.

[virborassan]

She was glad to be doing something again. Too much time had passed where all she could do was limp along and quietly pray they wouldn't be found while they all licked their wounds and tried to recover. Truth be told, she cared more for her people than she did herself. Oh, she knew Cullen wouldn't let her go too long without calling her out on it, but she couldn't think of herself first. She still moved a bit stiffly and still made sure that she kept covered at all times, but now, she could keep up with the best of them, even slipping out to scout now and again when not occupied with other matters that required her attention.

She was sure it drove Cullen mad, but what else could she do? She'd never been one to just sit around and let others take care of her messes. Now that they had somewhere to settle in, they could start the hard work of trying to recover their losses.

She'd been sure to pay close attention to the meeting earlier, silently noting a few things she wanted to talk over with the Iron Bull later. He might not be in top form, but he still had a keen mind and all his training. She was loathe to let that go to waste. Add on Dorian's academic knowledge and they were a force to be reckoned with.

Dark eyes watched Cullen slip off as she nodded to him. Since Skyhold had fallen, they'd been closer than ever, and while she enjoyed that, she missed what had become her home. Still, she knew things changed and she had long since learned to change when necessary, so she quietly excused herself and slipped off to check on their supplies before she headed off to join Cullen in his little hideaway.

[lovingvambrace]

Cullen was seated cross-legged on a pelt. It was too cold to sit on bare earth or rock these days, and he had a little pan of coals next to him to chase the worst of the chill while he worked. The breastplate was leaned against the rock wall. Both vambraces had already been cleaned and lay gleaming off to the side. He had a polishing cloth in hand and rubbed a cowter. The scent of armor grease was strong in the close space and always seemed to hang about him, that and leather.

He smiled when her shadow fell across the entrance and lifted his head to her in greeting when she appeared. "Is everything well?" he asked. They both stayed on top of things. It never hurt to have an extra pair of eyes doing the checking or double checking.

This was one of his favorite times of day, when they could take some short time for themselves. Now that they had a place to rest and call their own for the winter, it was easier to justify. Others wanted to pull their own weight and were insistent that the burden never fell unduly to any one person, which included them.

[virborassan]

Seeing him working with his armor made her smile. Anyone else would've been happy to care for it for him, but she knew why he maintained it himself. She was the same way with her own leathers and such, and could often be found tucked away somewhere, lips red from absent biting as she mended her light armor and worked to keep it supple in the growing cold.

She took a moment to let her fingers drift along his cheek in an absent caress before she carefully settled next to him, a hint of space between them. Since Skyhold's fall, she'd grown a good deal more solemn but that didn't mean she shut away the people she cared about, especially him.

"A few of the healers are worried that living in such close quarters could end up spreading fevers when the cold really sets in, but I think that's something we can stave off with a few of the herbs we have in stock. The area south of here looks promising for hunting and there's sign of a possible mine nearby. No idea if it's been tapped out yet, but I've got scouts headed there to find out. We should know in a few days."

As always, her mind was on the business of the Inquisition.

[lovingvambrace]

"There are also a couple of caves with limited access from the canyon. We can set up quarantine if the situation gets bad." They would still be dry and tended, just unable easily to spread sickness to the general population. "Vilari says the three apprentices she is training are showing real aptitude." He was grateful that the alchemist had so willingly shifted her focus and become the healer they all needed. He hoped that one day she'd have the freedom to return to her true calling. Maker knew, they could stand to have some of the more sophisticated potions that could make such a difference in a fight. For now they all did what needed handling most, no matter what that task might be.

He gave the cowter a few more swipes with his rag and set it aside then shifted to give his legs a stretch. He had been sitting cross-legged for a little while now. His knees weren't what they used to be. "It will be a boost if we can get something useful for the smith. I know he has been frustrated with little more than mending work." There was still the question of Dagna. No one knew her fate. He had enough faith in her brilliance to believe that she likely escaped. He hoped against hope that she would find them again.

He took her hand and lifted it with a small swipe of thumb across her knuckles. "How's your back?" He knew she probably got tired of him asking. He couldn't help himself. She pushed herself hard. Sometimes it felt like the only way to make sure it wasn't too hard was to stay on top of concerns like that. He wasn't above using his own worry as a subtle sort of pressure. It was no less than what she sometimes did with him.

[virborassan]

Nodding absently, she murmured agreement. She'd already thought the same thing, and as it was, Vilari had set up in one for just such an occurrence. Elareth had been helping her off and on, showing her some of the more obscure things Dalish clans did with their crafting, and while she was every bit a mage, as First to her clan, she knew the running of one intimately. Already, they were able to reproduce a few of the potions that had been under development in the old undercroft back at Skyhold. Once they had a steadier supply of the correct herbs or some smart substitutes, they'd be able to truly show off what they could do.

The motion drew her attention away from her thoughts, her dark gaze keen as she watched him move. She knew the stiffness that could come to joints used too harshly and did her best to keep an eye on him, always ready to offer her hands to chase away the ache if she could. At times, it seemed the only chance to get her hands on him again and she would rarely turn down such an opportunity.

"Harritt's been bored without Dagna. I think he misses her, not that he'd ever admit it. It'll be good for him to have something to work on while we keep looking for her. Harding should be in soon and I plan on sending her out after our dear Arcanist. If anyone can find her, it's Harding."

It wasn't common knowledge that she'd sent her favorite scout out looking for signs of Leliana or Cassandra. As it was, Bull had sent word to a few old acquaintances for just the same thing, even before Elareth had asked. So far, no news, but Elareth had faith that both women were strong enough to survive. They'd find their way back to them, without a doubt.

For a moment, she let herself smile at the touch of his hand. Her smiles were rare things these days, saved mostly for Cullen and the few that truly knew her best. Everyone else got her polite, kind, public face. It wasn't out of malice. She just didn't have it in her anymore.

"I'm fine."

It was a blanket answer, and one she used often now. It was instinct and the first thing out of her mouth when Cullen asked. She knew why he kept asking and she was so grateful that he cared enough to ask, but her main priority was him and the rest of the Inquisition. Still, she'd promised him she'd be honest with him and she did her best to always keep her word.

"Ah. It's alright. Still stiff at times, and sore in the mornings. Vilari apologized that she couldn't do more to keep the scarring to a minimum but I'm not too concerned about that. I have more important things to worry about. You, for one."

[lovingvambrace]

"No, he never would admit it," he said. It earned a soft chuckle from him, something that didn't happen very often. It was hard not to miss Dagna, not just her formidable skills, but her can do attitude. She approached every problem with the attitude that not only was it as good as solved, she could make it ten times better. Rarely was she wrong. If anyone could find her, Harding could. They were blessed not to have lost her skills and knowledge of the wilderness. Hard to believe that a farm girl from Redcliffe could rise up to such levels of skill. However, he supposed history was full of such examples.

He snorted softly and was about to add comment to his skepticism when she saved him the trouble by amending her answer. He understood the instinct. I'm fine, was a rousing chorus around the whole camp these days, all of them repeating it so often to one another that he wondered if some of them hadn't started believing it to be true of themselves.

"Me? You're worried about me?" He tried to tease. It fell a little flat. There was no denying he was still struggling with withdrawals, that the longer he was off the lyrium the harder it was rather than easier. That was almost nothing compared to the devastating losses at Skyhold and since then. He felt such a crushing sense of responsibility. It was hard to hide that from someone who had a similar ethic. He knew it was likely insulting to try.

His shoulders sagged slightly. "I endure. No more and no less than anyone else of our number. And I shall continue for as long as I'm needed and able. Worrying is...counterproductive. We could both stand to smile more. When we make it to Chateau Haine, I promise I'll ease up a little for a while and take a small rest." At least he would by his standards. He knew that if he burned out utterly, he'd be of no use to anyone.

[virborassan]

She heard that snort and knew it for what it was, but oddly enough, the sound almost made her smile. It was just something so Cullen, and reminded her of days long gone. She missed those days, but that served no purpose. She had him here, beside her. That was better than any old memory, so she shifted her hand in his and twined her fingers around his own. It was casual affection, but lately, it seemed to be all she could offer.

"I always worry about you, emma lath. I always will. I've seen how your hands shake when you think no one is looking."

And again, she knows. Even now, when the world was threatening to come down around them, she knew. She just wished there was more she could do and not just for him. For everyone.

"A rest sounds... nice, but smiling? That's out of the question. Completely unacceptable."

She tried to tease back, but like his, it fell flat. Truth be told, she felt sorely out of smiles, as if the muscles had forgotten how.

[lovingvambrace]

She was observant that way. Coming from anyone else, he'd have found it humiliating. From her it was touching. He still wasn't completely used to anyone caring for him like that, not so deeply and thoroughly. It was difficult to accept gracefully only because he was so used to having to hide any sign of vulnerability or softer emotion. There was little place for such in Circles and little place for it in war.

One corner of his mouth ticked. He made a decision and set his polishing rag aside, then tugged at her hand twined in his. "Come closer? It has been a while since I could just hold you. The place isn't falling down around our ears, and I hear no one shouting for either of us. I feel like we might be safe in assuming we have some time to ourselves."

He might not be able to wring a smile from her. He could at least give her some comfort and closeness. They could shove away the vagaries of the day in one another's company. He shifted to lean back against the cave wall. It was dry, if a bit chilly. Out of his armor, he was a decent leaning post, himself. "Perhaps we should institute a no smiling rule? If we can't, then no one should." He felt a stubbornness rising in his desire to carry out the tease. It didn't matter if it was funny. It didn't matter if it was ridiculous. It was a small act of defiance against grimness and loss, a way to try to hold onto her and himself both, the softer parts that still mattered whether they could show often or not.

[virborassan]

What better place than in war? It was a reminder of things to keep hoping for and working toward. It was a way to hang on to faith so easily lost. She had to keep reminding herself of such things or else she'd never be able to get up each morning or keep fighting what she felt was a losing battle.

There was no hesitation as she let him pull her closer, but she stayed stiff at his side for several long moments. He was right; it'd been a while and she found herself at odds internally. Oh, she had missed being close to him, but deep down, she worried that it might not be something they could afford. She wasn't sure she deserved to relax, even if the ever responsible Commander was urging her to.

It was his soft teasing that soothed her. For a moment, she felt her lips curl up again and she slowly let herself relax against his side. After a moment, she let her head settle on his shoulder and her arm settled along his waist. It was a comfort she hadn't allowed herself much of and she found she'd missed his warm, sturdy frame at her side, just doing something so simple. With a sigh, she let her eyes drift closed.

"Oh, we shouldn't take that from the ones that can still remember how, just because we're sour old folks, now."

[lovingvambrace]

It was touch and go at first, enough that he wondered if she would relax. When she did, he did as well a little bit. It was a comfortable drape of arm around her shoulders and he allowed his free hand to rest over her arm at his waist. They had sat up against either his headboard or hers at Skyhold many nights like this reading over reports together or talking. He missed the solid embrace of stone shaped by intelligent hands. The comfort of the cave felt like less a certainty.

"The way I see it, people are far more prone to do things forbidden to them. Tell them not to, and suddenly they won't be able to help themselves. As long as they don't know it's what we really want, it can't go wrong." He felt an echo of a smile tugging his own lips. Leaning, he pressed a light kiss against the top of her head.

"I still think about the pond and the dock. I know it's still there, quiet and waiting. I believe one day we'll make it back again, and then it won't be such a rush. I choose to believe that. It's important to make choices. Don't you think?"

[virborassan]

Relaxing was hard for her now, but she was working on it. Her nerves had been on edge for long enough that they were just wired that way, so forcing them to settle was true work, but she knew that if others saw her worked up all the time, they'd follow suit. Cullen was no different and in all honesty, she found it easier to do so around him now.

Huffing a faint chuckle, she let her hand absently drift along his tunic. It sounded like he was trying to con children into some kind of behavior, not grown adults, but in truth, she knew he was right. It was just how people worked. She'd almost worked up a tease in return when she found her mind thinking back to the scene he'd mentioned.

The dock. Oh, how she remembered it. The coin, warm in her hand when he'd given it to her. In the back of her mind, she wondered if he knew that she still had it. It stayed tucked away, safe, and almost always on her. Even now, she found her free hand moving to cover where she'd slipped it into a small pouch, along with a few stones and the tooth from a dragonling. Each item she kept on her was precious to her, not that anyone knew they were there.

"... I'm not really one to ask about making choices, am I? I mean, so far, mine haven't exactly gone so well."

[lovingvambrace]

His hand curled around her shoulder in a soft squeeze and stayed that way. He knew she blamed herself as much as he did, and since he hadn't yet been able to come up with a decent argument for how he hadn't failed them all, how could he possibly comfort her in her own doubts? He recognized the double standard. That wasn't the same as being able to reconcile it. "Many of us are still alive," he said. It was at least one argument that couldn't be disputed.

"More than would be had we allowed ourselves to be paralyzed with indecision, more than if we had simply holed up and hidden away from the very beginning." That was also true. He felt as though he was attempting to build a fortress with a few blocks of stone on shifting sand. Pity he was neither as eloquent as Dorian nor as bluff and blase as the Iron Bull.

"They've gone better than they could've. That counts for something. It has to."

[virborassan]

Dorian and Bull had both tried to talk to her, but they hadn't been so successful. It was likely they'd turn their efforts toward trying to get Cullen to talk to her, even if it seemed he was already willing to try. Cullen might be lucky enough to get her to listen a bit more than the others. After all, she loved him and while Iron Bull and Dorian were damn near family to her, it was different.

She knew he was right. Their quick thinking had saved so many, but she'd still seen so many fall. In her mind, they'd died because of her, and not just to Corypheus. Haven still lingered in the back of her mind, as did the loss of her clan. They were hurts that might never fade, especially now.

Still, he was right, even if she knew he held the same doubt. Shifting a bit, she buried her face against his shoulder, just content to let his presence fill her senses for a bit.

"It does. I'm just... I don't know. I hate seeing the Inquisition struggle after we worked so hard, but we've done it once. We can do it again. I... might have an idea, but I doubt you'll be happy about it."

[lovingvambrace]

When she shifted, he idly lifted his hand to cup the side of her head. It allowed him to stroke lightly through her hair while they spoke. For some time now, this easy affection had been his way in quiet times away from prying eyes. It was as much a comfort to him as to her. It kept him from falling back into more closed off habits.

"Unfortunately, that's the face of war when it comes to losses." He knew that she knew that.

He felt himself stiffen slightly. If she said he wouldn't be happy about something, it was almost a guarantee she was right. She knew him very well, and most of the proposals he didn't like involved her taking some undue risk. Sometimes he wondered in the back of his mind if she wasn't seeking a way to punish herself for failure, some eventual confrontation she couldn't walk away from. "I'm listening," he said cautiously.

[virborassan]

Oh, now that wasn't fair. He knew she was a sucker for someone playing with her hair, even more so when she was nervous or upset about something. There wasn't a quicker way to soothe her than to bury a hand in her hair and just ease her mood away. Leave it to Cullen to enjoy doing it so much. In a way, it was even more intimate than sex, not that she minded that. At all. They just hadn't had time or privacy for such things in quite some time and it didn't look like they would for a while.

Just having him there, next to her, was enough.

She felt him stiffen and moved accordingly, her hand dipping just under the ridge of material so her fingers could rest against the warm skin of his side. The contact was as much for her as it was for him. She knew he'd likely disagree with her idea, but she intended on going forward with it anyway. He'd just have to fuss.

"... I'm going to walk the Fade tonight. I need answers and I think Solas has them. There are things that... I never told anyone, we never told anyone... about Corypheus. I have a feeling he knows more than he's let on."