(no subject)

[virborassan]

In the end, it hadn't been enough. Months upon months of work. Tears and blood shed and all for naught. Skyhold had fallen just as Haven had, and this time, most didn't make it out. What few did retreated through the Frostbacks, carrying nothing. There'd been no time to try and gather things. All they could do was retreat. It was disheartening.

Elareth had barely made it out of the fight with Corypheus. She'd been dragged from the rubble only to be made to run for what life she had left. They'd just had enough time to find Cullen and all she could do was order him to retreat and take the survivors with him. She knew he'd be able to get them out of Corypheus' reach, at least for the time being. As it was, she knew what the ancient magister wanted and that was her and the Anchor that still pulsed in her hand. She'd lead them away while Cullen got what was left of the Inquisition to safety. She promised him she wouldn't be going alone and with that, she turned and took off, trying to buy them all some time.

It was an eerie reminder of her actions at Haven.

Three days later, scouts would send word that she'd been found and was making her way back to the encampment. When she found them, she stumbled in, her party a good deal smaller than before. This time, the losses were a good deal more personal. Bull was properly blind now, trying to defend Dorian. The mage was worse off, barely able to stand as Elareth coaxed them along with promises or rest once they found their way back. There was no sign of Blackwall or Sera and from the look on Elareth's face, the news was grim.

Comments

[lovingvambrace]

"There are also a couple of caves with limited access from the canyon. We can set up quarantine if the situation gets bad." They would still be dry and tended, just unable easily to spread sickness to the general population. "Vilari says the three apprentices she is training are showing real aptitude." He was grateful that the alchemist had so willingly shifted her focus and become the healer they all needed. He hoped that one day she'd have the freedom to return to her true calling. Maker knew, they could stand to have some of the more sophisticated potions that could make such a difference in a fight. For now they all did what needed handling most, no matter what that task might be.

He gave the cowter a few more swipes with his rag and set it aside then shifted to give his legs a stretch. He had been sitting cross-legged for a little while now. His knees weren't what they used to be. "It will be a boost if we can get something useful for the smith. I know he has been frustrated with little more than mending work." There was still the question of Dagna. No one knew her fate. He had enough faith in her brilliance to believe that she likely escaped. He hoped against hope that she would find them again.

He took her hand and lifted it with a small swipe of thumb across her knuckles. "How's your back?" He knew she probably got tired of him asking. He couldn't help himself. She pushed herself hard. Sometimes it felt like the only way to make sure it wasn't too hard was to stay on top of concerns like that. He wasn't above using his own worry as a subtle sort of pressure. It was no less than what she sometimes did with him.

[virborassan]

Nodding absently, she murmured agreement. She'd already thought the same thing, and as it was, Vilari had set up in one for just such an occurrence. Elareth had been helping her off and on, showing her some of the more obscure things Dalish clans did with their crafting, and while she was every bit a mage, as First to her clan, she knew the running of one intimately. Already, they were able to reproduce a few of the potions that had been under development in the old undercroft back at Skyhold. Once they had a steadier supply of the correct herbs or some smart substitutes, they'd be able to truly show off what they could do.

The motion drew her attention away from her thoughts, her dark gaze keen as she watched him move. She knew the stiffness that could come to joints used too harshly and did her best to keep an eye on him, always ready to offer her hands to chase away the ache if she could. At times, it seemed the only chance to get her hands on him again and she would rarely turn down such an opportunity.

"Harritt's been bored without Dagna. I think he misses her, not that he'd ever admit it. It'll be good for him to have something to work on while we keep looking for her. Harding should be in soon and I plan on sending her out after our dear Arcanist. If anyone can find her, it's Harding."

It wasn't common knowledge that she'd sent her favorite scout out looking for signs of Leliana or Cassandra. As it was, Bull had sent word to a few old acquaintances for just the same thing, even before Elareth had asked. So far, no news, but Elareth had faith that both women were strong enough to survive. They'd find their way back to them, without a doubt.

For a moment, she let herself smile at the touch of his hand. Her smiles were rare things these days, saved mostly for Cullen and the few that truly knew her best. Everyone else got her polite, kind, public face. It wasn't out of malice. She just didn't have it in her anymore.

"I'm fine."

It was a blanket answer, and one she used often now. It was instinct and the first thing out of her mouth when Cullen asked. She knew why he kept asking and she was so grateful that he cared enough to ask, but her main priority was him and the rest of the Inquisition. Still, she'd promised him she'd be honest with him and she did her best to always keep her word.

"Ah. It's alright. Still stiff at times, and sore in the mornings. Vilari apologized that she couldn't do more to keep the scarring to a minimum but I'm not too concerned about that. I have more important things to worry about. You, for one."

[lovingvambrace]

"No, he never would admit it," he said. It earned a soft chuckle from him, something that didn't happen very often. It was hard not to miss Dagna, not just her formidable skills, but her can do attitude. She approached every problem with the attitude that not only was it as good as solved, she could make it ten times better. Rarely was she wrong. If anyone could find her, Harding could. They were blessed not to have lost her skills and knowledge of the wilderness. Hard to believe that a farm girl from Redcliffe could rise up to such levels of skill. However, he supposed history was full of such examples.

He snorted softly and was about to add comment to his skepticism when she saved him the trouble by amending her answer. He understood the instinct. I'm fine, was a rousing chorus around the whole camp these days, all of them repeating it so often to one another that he wondered if some of them hadn't started believing it to be true of themselves.

"Me? You're worried about me?" He tried to tease. It fell a little flat. There was no denying he was still struggling with withdrawals, that the longer he was off the lyrium the harder it was rather than easier. That was almost nothing compared to the devastating losses at Skyhold and since then. He felt such a crushing sense of responsibility. It was hard to hide that from someone who had a similar ethic. He knew it was likely insulting to try.

His shoulders sagged slightly. "I endure. No more and no less than anyone else of our number. And I shall continue for as long as I'm needed and able. Worrying is...counterproductive. We could both stand to smile more. When we make it to Chateau Haine, I promise I'll ease up a little for a while and take a small rest." At least he would by his standards. He knew that if he burned out utterly, he'd be of no use to anyone.

[virborassan]

She heard that snort and knew it for what it was, but oddly enough, the sound almost made her smile. It was just something so Cullen, and reminded her of days long gone. She missed those days, but that served no purpose. She had him here, beside her. That was better than any old memory, so she shifted her hand in his and twined her fingers around his own. It was casual affection, but lately, it seemed to be all she could offer.

"I always worry about you, emma lath. I always will. I've seen how your hands shake when you think no one is looking."

And again, she knows. Even now, when the world was threatening to come down around them, she knew. She just wished there was more she could do and not just for him. For everyone.

"A rest sounds... nice, but smiling? That's out of the question. Completely unacceptable."

She tried to tease back, but like his, it fell flat. Truth be told, she felt sorely out of smiles, as if the muscles had forgotten how.

[lovingvambrace]

She was observant that way. Coming from anyone else, he'd have found it humiliating. From her it was touching. He still wasn't completely used to anyone caring for him like that, not so deeply and thoroughly. It was difficult to accept gracefully only because he was so used to having to hide any sign of vulnerability or softer emotion. There was little place for such in Circles and little place for it in war.

One corner of his mouth ticked. He made a decision and set his polishing rag aside, then tugged at her hand twined in his. "Come closer? It has been a while since I could just hold you. The place isn't falling down around our ears, and I hear no one shouting for either of us. I feel like we might be safe in assuming we have some time to ourselves."

He might not be able to wring a smile from her. He could at least give her some comfort and closeness. They could shove away the vagaries of the day in one another's company. He shifted to lean back against the cave wall. It was dry, if a bit chilly. Out of his armor, he was a decent leaning post, himself. "Perhaps we should institute a no smiling rule? If we can't, then no one should." He felt a stubbornness rising in his desire to carry out the tease. It didn't matter if it was funny. It didn't matter if it was ridiculous. It was a small act of defiance against grimness and loss, a way to try to hold onto her and himself both, the softer parts that still mattered whether they could show often or not.

[virborassan]

What better place than in war? It was a reminder of things to keep hoping for and working toward. It was a way to hang on to faith so easily lost. She had to keep reminding herself of such things or else she'd never be able to get up each morning or keep fighting what she felt was a losing battle.

There was no hesitation as she let him pull her closer, but she stayed stiff at his side for several long moments. He was right; it'd been a while and she found herself at odds internally. Oh, she had missed being close to him, but deep down, she worried that it might not be something they could afford. She wasn't sure she deserved to relax, even if the ever responsible Commander was urging her to.

It was his soft teasing that soothed her. For a moment, she felt her lips curl up again and she slowly let herself relax against his side. After a moment, she let her head settle on his shoulder and her arm settled along his waist. It was a comfort she hadn't allowed herself much of and she found she'd missed his warm, sturdy frame at her side, just doing something so simple. With a sigh, she let her eyes drift closed.

"Oh, we shouldn't take that from the ones that can still remember how, just because we're sour old folks, now."

[lovingvambrace]

It was touch and go at first, enough that he wondered if she would relax. When she did, he did as well a little bit. It was a comfortable drape of arm around her shoulders and he allowed his free hand to rest over her arm at his waist. They had sat up against either his headboard or hers at Skyhold many nights like this reading over reports together or talking. He missed the solid embrace of stone shaped by intelligent hands. The comfort of the cave felt like less a certainty.

"The way I see it, people are far more prone to do things forbidden to them. Tell them not to, and suddenly they won't be able to help themselves. As long as they don't know it's what we really want, it can't go wrong." He felt an echo of a smile tugging his own lips. Leaning, he pressed a light kiss against the top of her head.

"I still think about the pond and the dock. I know it's still there, quiet and waiting. I believe one day we'll make it back again, and then it won't be such a rush. I choose to believe that. It's important to make choices. Don't you think?"

[virborassan]

Relaxing was hard for her now, but she was working on it. Her nerves had been on edge for long enough that they were just wired that way, so forcing them to settle was true work, but she knew that if others saw her worked up all the time, they'd follow suit. Cullen was no different and in all honesty, she found it easier to do so around him now.

Huffing a faint chuckle, she let her hand absently drift along his tunic. It sounded like he was trying to con children into some kind of behavior, not grown adults, but in truth, she knew he was right. It was just how people worked. She'd almost worked up a tease in return when she found her mind thinking back to the scene he'd mentioned.

The dock. Oh, how she remembered it. The coin, warm in her hand when he'd given it to her. In the back of her mind, she wondered if he knew that she still had it. It stayed tucked away, safe, and almost always on her. Even now, she found her free hand moving to cover where she'd slipped it into a small pouch, along with a few stones and the tooth from a dragonling. Each item she kept on her was precious to her, not that anyone knew they were there.

"... I'm not really one to ask about making choices, am I? I mean, so far, mine haven't exactly gone so well."

[lovingvambrace]

His hand curled around her shoulder in a soft squeeze and stayed that way. He knew she blamed herself as much as he did, and since he hadn't yet been able to come up with a decent argument for how he hadn't failed them all, how could he possibly comfort her in her own doubts? He recognized the double standard. That wasn't the same as being able to reconcile it. "Many of us are still alive," he said. It was at least one argument that couldn't be disputed.

"More than would be had we allowed ourselves to be paralyzed with indecision, more than if we had simply holed up and hidden away from the very beginning." That was also true. He felt as though he was attempting to build a fortress with a few blocks of stone on shifting sand. Pity he was neither as eloquent as Dorian nor as bluff and blase as the Iron Bull.

"They've gone better than they could've. That counts for something. It has to."

[virborassan]

Dorian and Bull had both tried to talk to her, but they hadn't been so successful. It was likely they'd turn their efforts toward trying to get Cullen to talk to her, even if it seemed he was already willing to try. Cullen might be lucky enough to get her to listen a bit more than the others. After all, she loved him and while Iron Bull and Dorian were damn near family to her, it was different.

She knew he was right. Their quick thinking had saved so many, but she'd still seen so many fall. In her mind, they'd died because of her, and not just to Corypheus. Haven still lingered in the back of her mind, as did the loss of her clan. They were hurts that might never fade, especially now.

Still, he was right, even if she knew he held the same doubt. Shifting a bit, she buried her face against his shoulder, just content to let his presence fill her senses for a bit.

"It does. I'm just... I don't know. I hate seeing the Inquisition struggle after we worked so hard, but we've done it once. We can do it again. I... might have an idea, but I doubt you'll be happy about it."

[lovingvambrace]

When she shifted, he idly lifted his hand to cup the side of her head. It allowed him to stroke lightly through her hair while they spoke. For some time now, this easy affection had been his way in quiet times away from prying eyes. It was as much a comfort to him as to her. It kept him from falling back into more closed off habits.

"Unfortunately, that's the face of war when it comes to losses." He knew that she knew that.

He felt himself stiffen slightly. If she said he wouldn't be happy about something, it was almost a guarantee she was right. She knew him very well, and most of the proposals he didn't like involved her taking some undue risk. Sometimes he wondered in the back of his mind if she wasn't seeking a way to punish herself for failure, some eventual confrontation she couldn't walk away from. "I'm listening," he said cautiously.

[virborassan]

Oh, now that wasn't fair. He knew she was a sucker for someone playing with her hair, even more so when she was nervous or upset about something. There wasn't a quicker way to soothe her than to bury a hand in her hair and just ease her mood away. Leave it to Cullen to enjoy doing it so much. In a way, it was even more intimate than sex, not that she minded that. At all. They just hadn't had time or privacy for such things in quite some time and it didn't look like they would for a while.

Just having him there, next to her, was enough.

She felt him stiffen and moved accordingly, her hand dipping just under the ridge of material so her fingers could rest against the warm skin of his side. The contact was as much for her as it was for him. She knew he'd likely disagree with her idea, but she intended on going forward with it anyway. He'd just have to fuss.

"... I'm going to walk the Fade tonight. I need answers and I think Solas has them. There are things that... I never told anyone, we never told anyone... about Corypheus. I have a feeling he knows more than he's let on."