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[virborassan]

She knew she'd messed up. She'd let someone too close and while she still wanted him there, close, by her side, she'd gone and messed things up. Josephine had been right. So had Leliana. Keep your emotions as close as you'd keep an enemy. Close to your chest, hidden away.

She didn't want to be foolish again, so she'd carefully distanced herself from Jove. No more evenings, plied with wine and loving words. No more slips of the tongue. Not while the mantle of the Inquisitor was growing heavier and heavier with each day. Oh, don't think she didn't find herself watching him from a distance when she could, when she didn't think she'd be caught. In the back of her mind, she wondered if the distance had bothered him. It did her, but she couldn't let it show.

Not when they had work to do.

Early one morning, she'd been called for a War Council and it had lasted a good chunk of the day. When she emerged, her face was like the storm she could bend to her will. Pages stopped to deliver things only to step back when they saw the thunderous face of the Herald. Frowning, she slipped outside and onto the battlements, seeking space and fresh, cool air help her think.

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[weatherthestorm]

It was easier when he thought it was for the Inquisition. It hurt more that she did it because she was afraid. Afraid of what? Of him? Of them? There was nothing to be afraid of. They were good, solid, and happy.

He swallowed the bitter feeling in his throat that was grief and regret. "You are still forgiven."

He would not be selfish and demand she think of him. He would not let his grief over her actions rule him. He was better, stronger than that.

[virborassan]

They were and she regretted that she'd ruined it. Each day she'd traveled, she found she missed him. It was worse now, with him standing there. He wouldn't have to demand her think of him. He was still always on her mind and each moment gutted her.

It seemed to be too little too late, though. As with her other decisions, she would live by them and do her best. Too many depended on her otherwise and she'd already let her selfish decisions hurt someone that had trusted her. It wouldn't happen again.

"Your words and your tone speak differently, Ser. I deserve no less."

Oh, it wouldn't do for him to see her up close now, with her damp eyes and pressed tight lips. She wanted to ask him to read the letter she'd written while she'd been on the road. It was there, just sitting on her desk. It spelled it all out in her small, cramped writing. Her regret, her fears, her pain.

She couldn't ask that of him, though. He didn't want it anymore so she wouldn't press. She was too late yet again.

Biting at her lip, she let her gaze drop down to rest on the cold stone of her balcony.

[weatherthestorm]

"Time will heal that," he said calmly, his voice soft and sad. "As it heals all things. I do not understand your choice but I will respect it."

It hurt and would hurt for some time. He loved her, ached for her, but what he felt he would not force on her.

"If you need help with the voices I can send Solas up. He would know better how to help you than I. I am no expert in ancient elven magics," he said, clearing his throat of emotion.

[virborassan]

More than anything, she wanted to go to him but his words were final and heavy in her ears. Each thing spoken weighed more and more in her chest, leaving her aching and wanting and alone. It certainly sounded like there was no hope between them, so she would do what was necessary of her. What was expected.

After a moment to try and compose herself and wipe away the tears that had slid down her cheeks, she turned and walked back into her room to face him. Her eyes, while not exactly keen on his, were red and she made no effort to hide them but for once, her face was calm. Blank, but calm. It was the face of the Inquisitor.

"No, but thank you. This is something I'll master on my own. I'll be ready by the time the Commander returns and then, we'll move against Corypheus. He won't survive to see the end of the year."

[ooc: Think there's any hope for them? Also, did we want to timeskip ahead a bit to get Cullen back with the troops?]

[weatherthestorm]

Jove felt the frustration well in his chest and this time he could not keep it down.

"This is why we are here," he said, the anger back in his voice. "This insistence of yours that you must do it all on your own. It is not weakness to ask for help! It was not weakness to love me. You can rely on other people and they will not see you as less for it."

That was how it felt. His love was tossed aside because she couldn't be weak. Instead of his love making her stronger, she saw it as making her less. He made her less. That was so hard to carry.

[ooc: of course there's hope. they just have to actually talk.]

[virborassan]

It was hard to keep her face still in sight of his anger but she met it, cheeks flushed with heat and frustration. She'd never been one to back down easily and to be honest, she was tired of trying to bush off everyone's concern. In fact, she was just tired of everything.

The calm facade cracked and slipped away and then, the Inquisitor was gone.

"No. I see myself as less for it. I never wanted any of this, save you. I never wanted to go to the damned Conclave. I never wanted this damned title thrust on my shoulders. I never wanted to have to face off against an Elder One that will likely kill me. I never wanted to be bound to an ancient god I'm not even sure I still believe in."

At this moment, she felt more alive than she had since she'd started avoiding Jove and that part of herself.

"This is the first time I've ever done any of this and the more I try to grasp at what I need to do, at what's right, the more things slip through my fingers. I have no room to make mistakes anymore and that scares me even more than you do. Did."

With a muffled grunt that was almost Cassandra-worthy, she started pacing, fingers knotting together in clear agitation.

[weatherthestorm]

"And do you feel better taking this on your own?" he asked, his voice a heavy, low, growl. "Do you feel stronger pushing away someone who loves you? Pushing away people who can help you not make mistakes? You don't want any of this, fine, but don't think doing it alone makes you stronger."

He paced towards her, a wall, making her deal with him perhaps he should have done it soon.

"Bit by bit you've taken down each and every one of Coryphous' advisers and forces. You've made him weaker by doing so. Why do you think that doing the same for yourself will make you stronger?"

[virborassan]

She'd turned and there he was, so close she could almost touch him and it was a damn good thing her hands were clenched together or else she would've. If it would've been to push him away or pull him closer, she had no idea. Both sounded equally appealing at the moment.

For once, she stepped away from him, one single step as she shook her head with a scowl.

"No. I don't. I don't and I know it was stupid. I was afraid and I made foolish choices and damn it all, I wish I could make you understand wh-"

Step by step, she fell back at his advance until her back hit the wall, her words fading as she felt the cool stone behind her.

[weatherthestorm]

"Then fix it," he said, his voice hard as steel. "Mistakes happen to everyone. It doesn't make you weak it makes you human. Begin to ask for help when you need it. Realize you do not have to do this alone."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say she should love him again but he refused to force that on to her. Three weeks was not enough time for his feelings to dull. It would take time as he knew his heart would stay loyal for a long time.

"You have learned a lesson, do not ignore it."

[virborassan]

He wouldn't have to say it. She still did and would continue to do so for quite some time. It wasn't so easy to turn off even if she'd pushed him away out of foolish fears and self-doubt. When she looked up, there was still a hint of bruised pride in her gaze but even now, she couldn't quite look right at him.

"... I won't. I'll talk to Solas later, once I've looked over the reports you've brought me."

[weatherthestorm]

"Good. Good." His voice was softer now, gentle, a hint of the old Jove when they were alone. "Don't go back on that. You'll be stronger for it."

He resists the urge to touch her and steps back instead. He did not need to pressure her further to listen to him.

"The only important report is the reorders needed for medical supplies."

[virborassan]

The sound of the voice she remembered was what made her actually look at him. Gaze heavy, she watched him step back away from her and for a moment, the urge was there. She wanted to tell him she'd missed him, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure if fear or pride kept the words from finding shape.

It took her a moment to push away from the wall, her gaze once again on the floor as she crossed to her desk. It was no surprise to see the reorder request on top of the pile he'd brought her and for an instant, she smiled faintly as she leaned in to read it over. It left her leaning over the desk, hands flat against the grain as she tried to concentrate on the words on the report and not the other person in the room.

She was still far too aware of him.

"Understood. I'll make sure to take care of it first."

[weatherthestorm]

"Do, because the ravens have been sent and your soldiers will be coming home. You'll need the supplies." He stayed where he was, near the cooler air which would hopefully cool the riot of emotions within.

So close and yet so far. He had said his piece and let her know how he felt. Yet, she was still there, on her own. Perhaps that was truly what she wished and he was no longer what she wanted.

A horrible thought because he certainly still wanted her.

[virborassan]

Nodding, she scanned the report, pausing to reread a part. She didn't even notice that she'd turned back around and settled the small of her back against the desk, facing Jove as she read. Before she could stop herself, she chuckled softly, shaking her head.

"... I've never noticed how neat your script is. I appreciate it being so precise. Hasn't Josephine said anything? I'm sure she'd be happy to put you to use for formal correspondence since mine looks like a nug dragging a stick through the mud."

She chanced a glance up and her gaze found him without her even meaning to. There was hesitation there, dulling her usual spark, and a hint of wariness as she watched him.

"Thank you. For all of this. I knew the Inquisition was in good hands while I was gone."

[weatherthestorm]

"I would've rather been in the field but you're welcome." It still felt like a punishment to be left behind, as if she didn't trust him. Josephine could've handled all that needed to be done without him.

It was too late to change that now. He felt this would not be the last time he was left to manage Skyhold either. At least the work brought a sense of satisfaction.

"You will have to speak with her. She is quite protective of her writings. I think she would prefer to write things herself."

[virborassan]

That small smile faded pretty quickly. She'd been trying to offer something small, something that might bring a brief smile to his face but once again, she'd failed. Her hesitation increased with each silent breath between them and she found she had to loosen her hand from where she'd clenched it on the report she'd been trying to lighten the mood with.

"... you won't be stuck here again. I give you my word. I... missed you while I was gone."

She wasn't sure what she would do if he turned that back on her.

[weatherthestorm]

He looked down at his hands, hands that used to hold her and calm her. This was a moment when he would comfort her. That was before she walked away from him.

"I miss you," he admitted softly. "It is good to have you back."

It was so much more than missing her but that was the closest word Jove had for what he felt. It wasn't accurate but it was the truth.

[virborassan]

"Is it?"

With a sigh, she turned and set the report down on her desk, next to the note with Jove's name scrawled on it. For a long moment, she reached down to trace some of her lettering before dropping her hand to rest limp at her side.

"I don't feel right like this. I was hoping to come back, triumphant and things would be right again but this... this isn't it. I don't know how to fix this or if it even can be fixed. I just... don't know what to do."

[weatherthestorm]

"And what is right?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Things cannot be as they once were. We both must adjust to the change. It won't be easy but... you wanted this."

It is as simple as that to him. She put them here and only she can decide where they go next. If she was willing to give them another chance he would be more cautious and careful because he could not stand to have her turn away again.

[virborassan]

"This wasn't what I wanted."

The words were barely audible as she let her shoulders slump a bit. There was no way to miss how tired she was after the events of the day. It made her look even smaller than she was and for once, all her power could do nothing to help her.

It didn't help that tears were threatening to slip free again but this time, she made no effort to hide them. Hadn't all this happened because she refused to admit and allow for weakness?

"I just want... you. I'll never stop wanting you, but I understand if you can't return the sentiment anymore."

[weatherthestorm]

That lifted a weight from his heart and Jove felt like he could breathe again. She wasn't determined to stay the course and stay away from him.

"Can't return it?" He walked towards her and touched her, trailing the back of his hand down her cheek. "I have no choice. My feelings have not faded or changed. Three weeks is not enough time to forget how I feel about you."

It would have taken months, years, maybe to forget how she made him feel.

[virborassan]

Weeks of tension started to bleed from her muscles at his touch. She hadn't realized just how much she'd missed that simple contact, not to mention the relief at hearing his voice as she'd remembered. With a soft sigh, she let herself lean into that gentle contact. Normally, she'd be smiling at something so sweet but there were no smiles at the moment.

"Of course you have a choice. Perhaps not about what you feel but choosing to show it. I've been so so foolish lately..."

[weatherthestorm]

"What has my choice always been?" he asked gently.

She should know the answer. It was what it had always been and would always be if she chose to allow it. His heart was hers, though it was a fragile thing now.

[virborassan]

It was a relief, to know his feelings hadn't changed. Things still felt a bit disjointed between them, but she now knew it wasn't something that couldn't be fixed. As ragged around the edges as she was, it was the best she'd felt in weeks.

With a sigh, she finally let herself move just enough to wrap her fingers around his wrist. She didn't dare push for anything else, but there was no way to miss that she hadn't tried to push his hand away, either.

"Would you truly want this, again? With me?"

[weatherthestorm]

"I would ask that you talk to me more especially when you're afraid. I do not want to wake up one morning and suddenly you're gone again."

His heart would not survive that again. It would hurt too much, break too much within him. He could not and would not be suddenly abandoned again.

This was a step in the right direction. The ground felt normal underneath him again. He would hate for that to change.