(no subject)

[virborassan]

She knew she'd messed up. She'd let someone too close and while she still wanted him there, close, by her side, she'd gone and messed things up. Josephine had been right. So had Leliana. Keep your emotions as close as you'd keep an enemy. Close to your chest, hidden away.

She didn't want to be foolish again, so she'd carefully distanced herself from Jove. No more evenings, plied with wine and loving words. No more slips of the tongue. Not while the mantle of the Inquisitor was growing heavier and heavier with each day. Oh, don't think she didn't find herself watching him from a distance when she could, when she didn't think she'd be caught. In the back of her mind, she wondered if the distance had bothered him. It did her, but she couldn't let it show.

Not when they had work to do.

Early one morning, she'd been called for a War Council and it had lasted a good chunk of the day. When she emerged, her face was like the storm she could bend to her will. Pages stopped to deliver things only to step back when they saw the thunderous face of the Herald. Frowning, she slipped outside and onto the battlements, seeking space and fresh, cool air help her think.

Comments

[virborassan]

She honestly felt like she was losing her mind at times. Mumbling something under her breath, she moved to sit down on the little couch, elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Will quieted the voice for a bit and while she had the chance, she explained what had happened back in the temple.

What she'd asked of him was a barely thought out idea, really. She was looking for a way to quiet the voice and still the chaos in her head for a bit. No mage would willing ask a Templar to silence them. It was a clear sign that she was concerned.

"There are times I barely hear it but other times, it's demanding. Loud. Unfocused. I can't understand it when it's so loud."

[weatherthestorm]

"I can't understand you right now. Ela... your worship, what's going on?"

His instinct was to go to her, to comfort and promise it would be alright. It was not something he followed through on but stood back and kept his hands clenched tightly to his sides.

Voices in her mind? That made no sense. Demons couldn't be whispering to her, not while she was awake. Were they spirits instead?

[virborassan]

Sighing, she rubbed her knuckles against her eyes, trying to push back both the headache threatening an appearance as well as tears she never expected to shed around him. She wasn't sure what hurt more; her head or hearing him call her 'your worship'.

"The Well of Sorrows was the collected knowledge of the ancient elves. Samson was there to try and take it for Corypheus. The knowledge it held would've been enough to make him a god. I... drank from it instead. Not everyone was thrilled with my choice, but the risk was mine to take. It's... what was. The servants of Mythal would pass on their knowledge to the Well before they slept. It's all in my head and it's very hard to make sense of when they're all trying to make themselves heard. It's been too long since someone listened."

[weatherthestorm]

Despite his acceptance that her choices were her own and he had no control over them, Jove had to clench his teeth tightly for a moment to keep from yelling at her. What was she thinking drinking from something that dangerous? Had she gone mad?

"I don't know if my silence will work on ancient voices," he said, his tone tightly controlled. "It cancels magic, not... well I'm not sure what that is but I don't think it's the right sort of thing."

What state would the Inquisition be in now? Would she be fit to lead? How much time would she need to get this under control? What had she been thinking?

[virborassan]

"It isn't a request I would make lightly. You know that. It's magic of a sort, but it's not... anything I've ever felt before or heard of. I couldn't let Morrigan have it. Not this much knowledge and not from my people."

No mage would. The idea of it terrified Elareth to no end but if she couldn't rely on his help in this case, she would have to master it on her own. Solas might not be thrilled with her, but she could see if he could help with that. Morrigan's advice would be a last ditch thing, but if necessary, she would use it. She'd taken this step but she wouldn't let the Inquisition falter because of her. She couldn't.

Sighing, she sat a bit more upright now, but her face stayed tipped down. Hearing him there, still so angry, made the ache as acute as it had been the day she'd left all those weeks ago. Her intent had been to apologize, though and now that she had her wits about her again, she would.

She owed him that much.

"... Jove. I owe you an apology. I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry. What happened had nothing to do with you. It was a failing on my part."

[weatherthestorm]

The apology was a shock. He never expected such a thing, not when she seemed so set on her new course.

"You did what you thought was best for the Inquisition," he said, looking away from her. He swallowed his pride and looked back to her again. "You're forgiven. I promise you that."

Anger was a horrible thing to carry. He was trying to let go of it and the hurt that came with her rejection. He couldn't carry those and be happy, live as he should live. They were poison and he couldn't let that fester in him.

[virborassan]

"It wasn't for the Inquisition."

She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't. She hadn't since she'd received the news that her clan was lost and even then, it was in private. But now, she was finding it hard to keep it all at bay. Recent events had been taxing and now, with the pressure in her head and the world pressing in around her, she felt the weight on her even more.

She had things to finish before she faced off against the Elder One because she honestly didn't know if she'd come back from it.

After a long, silent moment, she pushed up off the couch and crossed over to one of the doors leading to the balcony. It was open to the evening air and while it was cold, she found the chill helped her think clearer and there was rarely a day she'd turn down the view of the mountains, which is why she leaned against the side, her gaze locked on the sky just above the ridge.

"It wasn't. It was selfish and personal. I was afraid."

[weatherthestorm]

It was easier when he thought it was for the Inquisition. It hurt more that she did it because she was afraid. Afraid of what? Of him? Of them? There was nothing to be afraid of. They were good, solid, and happy.

He swallowed the bitter feeling in his throat that was grief and regret. "You are still forgiven."

He would not be selfish and demand she think of him. He would not let his grief over her actions rule him. He was better, stronger than that.

[virborassan]

They were and she regretted that she'd ruined it. Each day she'd traveled, she found she missed him. It was worse now, with him standing there. He wouldn't have to demand her think of him. He was still always on her mind and each moment gutted her.

It seemed to be too little too late, though. As with her other decisions, she would live by them and do her best. Too many depended on her otherwise and she'd already let her selfish decisions hurt someone that had trusted her. It wouldn't happen again.

"Your words and your tone speak differently, Ser. I deserve no less."

Oh, it wouldn't do for him to see her up close now, with her damp eyes and pressed tight lips. She wanted to ask him to read the letter she'd written while she'd been on the road. It was there, just sitting on her desk. It spelled it all out in her small, cramped writing. Her regret, her fears, her pain.

She couldn't ask that of him, though. He didn't want it anymore so she wouldn't press. She was too late yet again.

Biting at her lip, she let her gaze drop down to rest on the cold stone of her balcony.

[weatherthestorm]

"Time will heal that," he said calmly, his voice soft and sad. "As it heals all things. I do not understand your choice but I will respect it."

It hurt and would hurt for some time. He loved her, ached for her, but what he felt he would not force on her.

"If you need help with the voices I can send Solas up. He would know better how to help you than I. I am no expert in ancient elven magics," he said, clearing his throat of emotion.

[virborassan]

More than anything, she wanted to go to him but his words were final and heavy in her ears. Each thing spoken weighed more and more in her chest, leaving her aching and wanting and alone. It certainly sounded like there was no hope between them, so she would do what was necessary of her. What was expected.

After a moment to try and compose herself and wipe away the tears that had slid down her cheeks, she turned and walked back into her room to face him. Her eyes, while not exactly keen on his, were red and she made no effort to hide them but for once, her face was calm. Blank, but calm. It was the face of the Inquisitor.

"No, but thank you. This is something I'll master on my own. I'll be ready by the time the Commander returns and then, we'll move against Corypheus. He won't survive to see the end of the year."

[ooc: Think there's any hope for them? Also, did we want to timeskip ahead a bit to get Cullen back with the troops?]

[weatherthestorm]

Jove felt the frustration well in his chest and this time he could not keep it down.

"This is why we are here," he said, the anger back in his voice. "This insistence of yours that you must do it all on your own. It is not weakness to ask for help! It was not weakness to love me. You can rely on other people and they will not see you as less for it."

That was how it felt. His love was tossed aside because she couldn't be weak. Instead of his love making her stronger, she saw it as making her less. He made her less. That was so hard to carry.

[ooc: of course there's hope. they just have to actually talk.]

[virborassan]

It was hard to keep her face still in sight of his anger but she met it, cheeks flushed with heat and frustration. She'd never been one to back down easily and to be honest, she was tired of trying to bush off everyone's concern. In fact, she was just tired of everything.

The calm facade cracked and slipped away and then, the Inquisitor was gone.

"No. I see myself as less for it. I never wanted any of this, save you. I never wanted to go to the damned Conclave. I never wanted this damned title thrust on my shoulders. I never wanted to have to face off against an Elder One that will likely kill me. I never wanted to be bound to an ancient god I'm not even sure I still believe in."

At this moment, she felt more alive than she had since she'd started avoiding Jove and that part of herself.

"This is the first time I've ever done any of this and the more I try to grasp at what I need to do, at what's right, the more things slip through my fingers. I have no room to make mistakes anymore and that scares me even more than you do. Did."

With a muffled grunt that was almost Cassandra-worthy, she started pacing, fingers knotting together in clear agitation.

[weatherthestorm]

"And do you feel better taking this on your own?" he asked, his voice a heavy, low, growl. "Do you feel stronger pushing away someone who loves you? Pushing away people who can help you not make mistakes? You don't want any of this, fine, but don't think doing it alone makes you stronger."

He paced towards her, a wall, making her deal with him perhaps he should have done it soon.

"Bit by bit you've taken down each and every one of Coryphous' advisers and forces. You've made him weaker by doing so. Why do you think that doing the same for yourself will make you stronger?"

[virborassan]

She'd turned and there he was, so close she could almost touch him and it was a damn good thing her hands were clenched together or else she would've. If it would've been to push him away or pull him closer, she had no idea. Both sounded equally appealing at the moment.

For once, she stepped away from him, one single step as she shook her head with a scowl.

"No. I don't. I don't and I know it was stupid. I was afraid and I made foolish choices and damn it all, I wish I could make you understand wh-"

Step by step, she fell back at his advance until her back hit the wall, her words fading as she felt the cool stone behind her.

[weatherthestorm]

"Then fix it," he said, his voice hard as steel. "Mistakes happen to everyone. It doesn't make you weak it makes you human. Begin to ask for help when you need it. Realize you do not have to do this alone."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say she should love him again but he refused to force that on to her. Three weeks was not enough time for his feelings to dull. It would take time as he knew his heart would stay loyal for a long time.

"You have learned a lesson, do not ignore it."

[virborassan]

He wouldn't have to say it. She still did and would continue to do so for quite some time. It wasn't so easy to turn off even if she'd pushed him away out of foolish fears and self-doubt. When she looked up, there was still a hint of bruised pride in her gaze but even now, she couldn't quite look right at him.

"... I won't. I'll talk to Solas later, once I've looked over the reports you've brought me."

[weatherthestorm]

"Good. Good." His voice was softer now, gentle, a hint of the old Jove when they were alone. "Don't go back on that. You'll be stronger for it."

He resists the urge to touch her and steps back instead. He did not need to pressure her further to listen to him.

"The only important report is the reorders needed for medical supplies."

[virborassan]

The sound of the voice she remembered was what made her actually look at him. Gaze heavy, she watched him step back away from her and for a moment, the urge was there. She wanted to tell him she'd missed him, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure if fear or pride kept the words from finding shape.

It took her a moment to push away from the wall, her gaze once again on the floor as she crossed to her desk. It was no surprise to see the reorder request on top of the pile he'd brought her and for an instant, she smiled faintly as she leaned in to read it over. It left her leaning over the desk, hands flat against the grain as she tried to concentrate on the words on the report and not the other person in the room.

She was still far too aware of him.

"Understood. I'll make sure to take care of it first."

[weatherthestorm]

"Do, because the ravens have been sent and your soldiers will be coming home. You'll need the supplies." He stayed where he was, near the cooler air which would hopefully cool the riot of emotions within.

So close and yet so far. He had said his piece and let her know how he felt. Yet, she was still there, on her own. Perhaps that was truly what she wished and he was no longer what she wanted.

A horrible thought because he certainly still wanted her.

[virborassan]

Nodding, she scanned the report, pausing to reread a part. She didn't even notice that she'd turned back around and settled the small of her back against the desk, facing Jove as she read. Before she could stop herself, she chuckled softly, shaking her head.

"... I've never noticed how neat your script is. I appreciate it being so precise. Hasn't Josephine said anything? I'm sure she'd be happy to put you to use for formal correspondence since mine looks like a nug dragging a stick through the mud."

She chanced a glance up and her gaze found him without her even meaning to. There was hesitation there, dulling her usual spark, and a hint of wariness as she watched him.

"Thank you. For all of this. I knew the Inquisition was in good hands while I was gone."

[weatherthestorm]

"I would've rather been in the field but you're welcome." It still felt like a punishment to be left behind, as if she didn't trust him. Josephine could've handled all that needed to be done without him.

It was too late to change that now. He felt this would not be the last time he was left to manage Skyhold either. At least the work brought a sense of satisfaction.

"You will have to speak with her. She is quite protective of her writings. I think she would prefer to write things herself."

[virborassan]

That small smile faded pretty quickly. She'd been trying to offer something small, something that might bring a brief smile to his face but once again, she'd failed. Her hesitation increased with each silent breath between them and she found she had to loosen her hand from where she'd clenched it on the report she'd been trying to lighten the mood with.

"... you won't be stuck here again. I give you my word. I... missed you while I was gone."

She wasn't sure what she would do if he turned that back on her.

[weatherthestorm]

He looked down at his hands, hands that used to hold her and calm her. This was a moment when he would comfort her. That was before she walked away from him.

"I miss you," he admitted softly. "It is good to have you back."

It was so much more than missing her but that was the closest word Jove had for what he felt. It wasn't accurate but it was the truth.

[virborassan]

"Is it?"

With a sigh, she turned and set the report down on her desk, next to the note with Jove's name scrawled on it. For a long moment, she reached down to trace some of her lettering before dropping her hand to rest limp at her side.

"I don't feel right like this. I was hoping to come back, triumphant and things would be right again but this... this isn't it. I don't know how to fix this or if it even can be fixed. I just... don't know what to do."